So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize