god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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