I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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