Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
