all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
