If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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