She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
