worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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