OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
