onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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