she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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