The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
