Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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