Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can I color on your dick again?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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