I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
