talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
