Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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