There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
two words...techno handjob
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
