I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
