If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
