I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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