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Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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