I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
