seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
