I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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