I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize