I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
