Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
