she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize