Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
