I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
