I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
