seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
