yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
