sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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