The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
