I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
