My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
