Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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