drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
