I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
