Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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