just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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