so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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