The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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