She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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