I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
