We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
