I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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