At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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