apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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