Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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