I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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