Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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