Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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