There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
